Giving Tough (But Kind) Feedback in 4 Easy Steps
Giving feedback — especially critical feedback — is a struggle for so many managers, at every level! Early in my career, I avoided it at all costs. But then I realized that I was doing a disservice to people by not sharing honest feedback. As a manager, your responsibility is to help your team learn and grow. Once I was able to change my mindset and think of feedback as a powerful tool to help people improve on their skills and talents—and that I wasn’t “being mean” by doing so—it calmed my nerves. I also found a style of feedback that works best for me: kind and direct. Here are my four steps to giving empathetic feedback.
1. Frame it positively. First, put the person at ease so they are more capable of listening and receiving the feedback. If you start the meeting with the “bad news” or come across as threatening in any way, you’ll immediately trigger the person’s defensive emotions and they won’t be able to process anything you’re saying. It’s because of the amygdala, the part of the brain that turns on your body’s fight-or-flight response when it senses a threat. When activated, the amygdala sets off a cascade of hormonal reactions that cause you to become angry, want to run away, or shut down. To avoid this, start with some kind words and point out things the team member is doing right. You also need to convey the feeling that you care about their professional development and that you are on their side. Use phrases like, “I’m your biggest champion,” or “I believe you have a very successful career in front of you and want to be helpful in any way I can.” Don’t use phrases like, “Here are some things we need to talk about,” or “Here are some areas I’m finding challenging for you.”
2. Ask questions. I’ve found that asking carefully framed questions can often lead the other person to deliver their own feedback. Instead of saying, "What do you think you could have done differently?" say, "What do you think could have been done differently?" Dropping the "you" is a subtle shift that encourages the individual to look at the problem from a perspective that is less personal and more productive. Conversations like these often evolve into meaningful dialogues instead of feeling like personal attacks.
3. Be specific about the person’s developmental areas. I once had a boss who was so nice, and her feedback was very wishy washy—I had no idea what I was supposed to do, so I just ignored it. You don’t want that. Be clear and provide as much bigger picture context as possible. Here’s an example: My team member Liz once sent me a presentation draft, but the formatting of the financial section was off. Instead of simply asking her to fix it, I presented the greater context. I told her that if the financials are misaligned or look sloppy, it can give people a lack of confidence in the numbers. Once she understood why it was so important, she was happy to fix the formatting issues and was more careful about it in the future.
4. Develop shared next steps. End the conversation with an action plan that lists the specific things your team member is going to do, along with what YOU are going to do to help. This will ensure that they understand you are supporting them on their professional journey. Also, you don’t want them to think this is a one-and-done conversation. Come up with a timeline; maybe that you are going to check in again in 30 days. Then really deliver on what you said you would do. For example, if the developmental area is that the person needs to be more collaborative and seek expertise and advice from others, your role may be introducing them to three new people in a certain field. Follow through on that, and soon you’ll both begin to see the positive benefit of a culture of feedback.
To read more about topics like this one, check out my book The Myth of the Nice Girl.